Shittiquette

Working in an office setting, I've experienced many different bathroom scenarios. I thought it would be a benefit to you all if I shared my experiences, in case you ever find yourself in one of these predicaments.

Someone has beaten you to the bathroom
Courtesy folks. Let them poop in peace. Nobody wants a neighbor. But don't just turn around and leave. Pee, wash your hands or fake it. If you leave without doing something, your coworker will take pride in knowing they turned you away and you will have FAILed.

If, however, it is an absolute emergency - then proceed, but ONLY if you can poop with an empty stall in between you and your coworker. This buffer zone will prevent them from analyzing your shoes or catching a glimpse of your ID Badge, thus allowing you to poop anonymously.

I do not recommend going poop if you will be right next to your coworker. But we all know diarrhea waits for no man. If this is the case, remember to place a layer of toilet paper on top of the water. This will act as a sort of catcher, making the drop quieter and preventing the dreaded splash up. And take a courtesy flush to air our your stall - your coworker will appreciate it.


Someone walks in right behind you
Very tricky situation. No matter what you do, they will see it. Your next step depends on how well you know this other person.

Contractor/Stranger. Go right ahead and poop. No fear. Sure they saw your face, but who cares. They'll be gone in like 2 weeks, so bombs away.

Work Friend. Proceed with caution. Maybe if you guys are really tight, then it's okay to go. It could be a good laugh shared between the two of you over lunch at Chevy's. But unless it's an emergency, I would wait.

Your Boss and up. Hold it.

Other helpful tips
Get to know your custodian. Make small talk and become their friend. Next time you're walking to the bathroom and s/he is about to post that "Cleaning in Progress" sign, they will let you go real quick. If they don't like you, have fun walking to the next closest bathroom.

Someone left the Sports Section. Hell yeah...who doesn't like reading while pooping? But use caution as the previous reader read this paper with their pants down, creating contact with the bottom of the paper with their goods.

Warning Signal. YES!, you're all alone in the bathroom doing your thing and in walks a second pooper. Simply roll out some toilet paper - that rolling sound is internationally recognized as the "someone's in here, I'm wrapping up, come back later" sound. Assuming this person has bathroom etiquette, they will leave, take a lap around the floor and come back later. If they're not versed in these rules of engagement, then you're screwed.

HAPPY POOPING.